He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
