She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
