i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
