dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.