if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Everything about him screamed your future.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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