fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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