It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
