I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I understand Curling. That high.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
