just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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