So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
