i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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