I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
