i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
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I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
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I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."