Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground