woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Can you repeat that, but with context?