saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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