can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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