she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Don't make out with my wife yet
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
the liver wants what the liver wants
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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