The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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