omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
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I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
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When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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