Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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