There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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