yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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