Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
