I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
