when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I feel like death gave me a hand job
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
