i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
