OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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