Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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