im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
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She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
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she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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