I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
