I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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