from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
