I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
