If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
