i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
