Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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