I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
