i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
