If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
