It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
