I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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