So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
