i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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