he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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