I think im going to throw up on grandma
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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