If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We need to get me chipped asap
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
