I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
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