I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
