Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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