70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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