I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
