I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
