Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
