you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
