I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Your cock deserves a montage
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
