I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
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Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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