I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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