Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
