If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
