This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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