so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
