I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
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Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
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almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default