I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..