I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.