she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
