you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
