We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
