remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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