I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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